Floating and Personal Identity - Juliet Tango Mylan | Float Conference 2018

[0:00] Hi everybody! How's it going? Thank you. How great was Roy? Yeah. We need people like him. Uh, for sure. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm not gonna match his energy.

[0:34] Which I think we'll all be grateful for. Really quick, I just want to thank Everybody who's been helping put this on, myself included, but especially Ashkahn. He's been doing this for seven years and in Ashkahn years that comes out to like 250. So just really quick, another round of applause for him. All right. And really quick, I just want to have another round of applause for this industry.

[1:08] Thank you. This is the kindest, most thoughtful, most accepting industry I've ever had the privilege to be a part of. So... Thank you. And then lastly, I just want to say let's give one more round of applause for how great I look in this dress. It's new. I got it specifically for this talk.

[1:41] You're welcome. Okay, I don't have any slides. I am your visual aid. Ahahaha. Yeah, okay. So... I'm going to talk about some very personal stuff for me. that happened on that trip that Ashkahn was just talking about. Some of it's going to be a little heavy. I will be discussing suicidal ideation and sexual assault.

[2:12] If that's something that you're not physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared for, please do what's best for you. Um, But-- Other than that, I think it's going to be fine. Speaking of Float Tour, just by round of applause, How many people did we see? Thank you. Ashkahn, I didn't hear you applaud.

[2:46] Thank you. Okay. Thank you. If you met me on that tour, I did look a little bit different. Back then? My hair was shorter. I wore fewer dresses? Um... And I had a deeper voice. Yeah, I looked like a dude. And now I mostly don't. um And this happened...

[3:17] because of floating. *sigh* My first float was eight years ago. And it was because of Graham. This was before Float On, actually. But he was working with Christopher Messer to... sort of pitch the idea and see if it was marketable, and I was one of the lucky subjects. If you see him later, you should ask him how that turned out. I'd be really curious. Um... Yeah, so...

[3:50] That first float for me was really, really cool. I didn't have any sort of deep personal revelations but, I did feel like super floaty and I thought about the universe and stuff, which was rad. And it stuck with me for a couple of days and I realized, that I wanted to keep doing it. And... Thanks to the awesome friendship I developed with Graham, I was able to do that at FloatOn.

[4:21] Eventually, for whatever reason, they brought me on to Float Tank Solutions and true story, Just... days before they were leaving on float tour, Graham was like, do you want to come? And I was like, yeah. So, I was on that RV for three months with those guys. And I realized that I didn't know them as well as I thought I did. As it turns out, they're kind of like celebrities in this industry, which they were just my drinking buddies back home. And that was a huge perspective shift for me.

[4:58] And not the last one on that trip. We did a lot of floating. And one of the floats that I ended up having was in Jeremy Warner's tank. and Lincoln, Nebraska. It was the Only float tank operational at the time in Lincoln, Nebraska, I checked. I'm sorry. Um... And while I was there with Ashkahn, Jeremy wanted to make sure that he shared some of his hospitality with us, because he loves those guys.

[5:31] And I'm not sure if you're familiar with Jeremy Warner's form of hospitality, but it made it so that it was very difficult for me to speak afterwards. And so he asked me if I wanted to get in the float tank and I wordlessly just sort of nodded. And so... I went in and I floated and I had what they call a really trippy float man. I started to think about my place in the universe and what I had learned about myself on this trip and throughout my entire life.

[6:11] I started to think of where I wanted to be in the future and visualize my ideal self. have and not just that but I also started a to see me in the future. Not just think about it, but actually see who I was going to be. I And much to my surprise at that time, She was a woman. And... Even though it was very surprising, there were parts of me that kind of knew Um...

[6:51] I had had... clues growing up. Things I just didn't want. to believe Because I grew up in a very small town. I grew up in Bend, south of here, and when I was growing up it was much smaller than it is today. Um... And... the people I had around me were cis straight, white God-fearing Anglo-Saxon Americans.

[7:23] And that's not to disparage cis whites. straight God-fearing Anglo-Saxon Americans. most of my friends. are cis, straight, white, God-fearing Anglo-Saxon Americans. Well, maybe not God-fearing. I didn't have anyone to talk to about how I felt, and so I knew that it was weird. And so I tried to stop feeling it. If anybody's had something like that, they know that it doesn't work.

[7:57] And it eventually does come out. Um... And that's what I did when I came out of that tank. Thank you. Um... And it was really, really great for a while. When I got back home, I started to transition. And It was amazing all the things that I had been missing out on and how "Not ashamed of myself I was."

[8:29] And I was really glad to have that. Um... But the rest of the world doesn't necessarily agree that that's a totally awesome and groovy and And... that got really hard for me. encountering that backlash. especially since it took me so much to just finally accept it for myself. There's always a little voice in the back of my head that says that, what I'm doing is wrong and it's different and weird things.

[9:05] I'm not sure. And sometimes when I get like that, when I'm in the float tank, It doesn't help. And I know that that's something we don't talk about a lot in this industry, but sometimes those floats Just. they don't go well. But I've learned that I can always just get out. and try again later. And, um, I think that that's something that we all deserve to be mindful of.

[9:37] Thank you. Um... There were times where I would get into these negativity loops, and being by myself was the worst thing. that I could do. and And... after... I was sexually harassed on the train. grabbed me, and they smiled at me as they walked away fully aware that I couldn't do anything.

[10:08] Thank you. I felt like I'd had enough. I My wife had asked for a divorce because it turns out I was not the man that she married. And there were just so many little things that kept piling on and being by myself, I convinced myself it was going to be bad forever. But I've learned to... lean on the people, that Help me through those things.

[10:40] And... I've discovered that there's a whole world of you. Thank you. And... I'm so glad of the person that I've become, and I'm so excited to meet the person that I'm going to be. I'm sorry. And, um, I just want to thank you for all of that. I'm not going to keep you from lunch too much longer, I promise. Um...

[11:11] But, uh, I will say this. you A lot of people want to know what it's like to be trans. And I can tell you this, it's exhausting. I second guess every social interaction that I have. Um... at least at first. So if I come off spiky, or if other trans people do, it's because we don't know what to make of you yet. and we're afraid. because we've been taught that we should be.

[11:44] Thank you. So the best thing that you can do is just give us hugs and treat us like everybody else. And I know that you will. Because you guys rock. All right, let's go have lunch. If anybody wants to talk to me... . I'm going to let you know I'm not doing a Q&A.

[12:25] if anyone wants to talk to me at lunch and give me kind words or a hug Please do. but hug each other too. Thanks.